Is there anything more terrifying than a blank square in which you are expected to write about yourself? Or worse, have you ever had your mum call five times a day asking for a status update on how your house search is going, and then sounding incredulous that not more progress has been made since the last phone call? That’s my life right now. But I’m hoping that will all change if I can secure the room and be your new roomie. Good thing is, I can bring more to the table then just an overbearing mum- let me tell you more.
I’m a 26-year-old that has just moved back to Melbourne to cultivate more professional experience. Why? So I can make millions of dollars and not have to post shit like this on Flatmates.
A little (sorry it’s quite a lot) bit about me. I’m amused by most things and get bothered by very little, (named "most jovial lass in Australia" by a random American!) I'm respectful, clean and I like people and conversation and stories, a lot. I sometimes have the attention span of a potato though. I turn off lights. I clean toilets. I understand personal space/downtime. New Girl is my all-time favorite show. I can fold a fitted sheet in 37 seconds. Fuck it. I'll even cook for you. That's right! My Nonna taught me everything there is to know about cooking Italian cuisine. I'll fry that pancetta in some more fat and salt, stir in that al dente fettucine and smother that shit in bulla cream and perconi cheese. EVERY. GODDAMN. NIGHT. Don't eat meat? On the F45 8 week challenge? That's fucking FANTASTIC! I'll make a cauliflower risotto that will knock your fucking socks off.
I LOVE books but it’s rare that I finish one. Is it commitment issues? I guess we’ll never know, just like the TITANIC. But Nicholas Sparks, love that shit, speaks volumes to me. I also read a bit of Tuesdays with Morrie the other day. It's a sad story, but I learned something about life, love, knowledge and the pursuit of happiness although I think I came pretty close the other day when I had Very Good Falafel on Sydney Road.
Do you like movies? I love them. Notting Hill? Gets me every time. We can watch the shit out of some movies/shows together if you like, or go get drinks, or work out, I’ve even been praised to give outstanding pre tinder pep talks ‘You smell like pine needles, and have a face like sunshine!- Bridesmaids or we could have our own GREAT BRITISH BAKE OFF, or I don't have to talk to you at all. It's completely UP TO YOU!
You’ll quickly catch on that my Sunday is a day of rest but also PREPPING FOOD. Why? Because as of lately I’ve been spending 90% of my income on the corporate snack bars (YEAH I WORK, over 8 years in the public service which is longer than most marriages LAST!). But that just means I get to be Mary Poppins, carrying around a bag full of carbohydrates that I plan to palm off to you.
Speaking of carbohydrates (#shreddingandidonteatthem), my mates and work colleagues have said I am the equivalent of a Scotch Finger biscuit. Not the most flashy option in the Arnotts family assorted biscuits, but highly recommended by mums everywhere and a house hold treat since 92. Similar to a biscuit, I am a great help throughout the day which is to say, being your roomie is like getting a high five from your mum. But what about my views? I love everyone. I'm a secular humanist. I LOVE PEOPLE. That's the only requirement to being a secular humanist actually. You have to like other human beings and want to help them for no other reason than they are human regardless of race, religion or sexual preference. WTF?!!!? Pretty fucking cool right?
All that aside, I’m looking for a family vibe and less of a revolving door where we will soon prove that our normally mundane and semi-pathetic lives can be transformed into exciting, emotional roller-coasters full of awkward problems that are solved through the power of your new share house.
So yes, You can bet my nomadic ass I’m interested in your bad. I only require 4 walls, a ceiling and a floor to shelter me from the elements. Other than that, anything else will be considered a convenient plus. I'm taking being a roommate to the next level. Email me! I'll hook yo ass up with Facebook links, background checks, credit reports, phone numbers, resumes, references, awards, sexual history, pictures of me when I was still hiding in the closest and wore hair extensions, and a list of the top 10 women I'd like to bang before I die. If you want a next-generation roommate who consistently blows your fucking mind with awesomeness, then hit me up. I'm ready to give you money.